so i got married this weekend. it went pretty well. we rented a boat because our wedding license wasn't technically valid anywhere save International Waters, plus everything else went to shit when The Late Major Sebastian Bludd shuffled off this mortal coil and onto the asphalt.
when the moment finally arrived, The Late Major Sebastian Bludd's inability to bend people to my will didn't help. well, not the kind of people i know, quality people with taste and refinement. also the thing in the refridgerator, who is the wisest of all the friends i have. i thought we were going to have problems with the boat, because i'd taken the trouble to rent out a luxury yacht and we'd booked UB40 for the week, so the potential for egg on my face was high. on our way out the harbor, my best friend--i'll call her chinchilla because she looks really skinny, soaking wet--got drunk and the swell rose up to knock her into the bay.
"I'm still mad at you," she called out, because she always is, but i've never been able to figure out the why of it exactly. on the one hand, i looked forward to having a wedding that didn't feature chinchillla heckling me and squeezing my nipples, but on the other hand seeing her get swept out to sea didn't do anything good for morale.
"Tis awful bad luck, having a lass swept to sea," said the crusty sailerman, and i wasn't inclined to disagree with him, although i understand he got into it with the cruise's naturalist, who doesn't believe in luck.
not even a little.
you can imagine the dawning sense of panic i was feeling, having this yacht that would only go as far as i could push the crew before breaking them, and yet being unable to bend their will to my design. as we wheeled out the cupcake mountain that passed for a wedding cake, i was excited to hear the familiar sound of rotor blades cutting the already crisp morning air. it was my old business associate vlade divac, his helocopter sent Mount Cupcake tunbling in the drink along with my friend chinchilla, who i noticed just then was being dragged behind the yacht by a towing cable and had been yelling at me the entire time.
vlade divac walked across the helipad as hundreds of paparazzi bulbs flashed all around him, and signed some autographs. i can't really say what he does, i mean except play basketball for the sacramento kings, but once he arrived i knew everything would be alright. i extended my hand in greeting, and pulled me close to say something meant for my ears only. "If you ever disobey me again I will break you," he hissed. i didn't know what the hell vlade divac meant, but i felt it, inside, in a secret place. i understood.
and that's what i whispered to my predilection for speed (!!!) when we tied the knot. we're going to live forever and so happiness isn't really a concern when there's no after, ever.
